Its been a while...

Well, as the post title says, its been a while since i wrote anything.

Life has become pretty busy lately, doing loads of cases for Victim Support and i have had so much reading to do for uni also, which i am really enjoying, i find myself taking on new attitudes and opinions, thoughts changing immensly from what they were previously.

I went out with the girls the other week and had a great night, got very drunk and danced a lot as usual, it was great to let my hair down for a change.

I took the kids halloweening, it was fun, although not as much fun as it use to be, no-one hardly answers the door anymore, bless the poor little kiddies all exicted ready to trick and treat :(

Weather is really cold now, can you believe Christmas is only 7 weeks away....and my son's 6th birthday is at the end of this month also. Time goes so quickly, makes you realise just how much of it you spend wasting on doing absolutely nothing or on things so trivial they dont even matter.

Anyways thats all i have to say for now i best get on with doing some more research for my assignment which is due in soon.

TTFN xx

When Harry Met Sally...

I have just watched when Harry Met Sally, first time ever. What a great film, the humour is great, classic, unlike the 'American Pie' sense most films have now which is predictable and only funny once. Films like that make New York look so amazing in winter, i wish i could spend a christmas there, who knows one day maybe i will.

I also wish i had a 'Harry' of my own too, not even really for the relationship part but the friendship part, altho i wouldnt say no to the rest hehe.

The weather has started to get very cold now, i will be hunting out my scarf and gloves and a thicker coat to wear.

I start uni this week and i cant wait, i also have my probation interview on friday woop woop.

I cant believe how quickly the end of the year is approaching, im kinda glad for it, who knows what a new year will bring..

Hope everyone had a good weekend and is having a good week xxx

My Week So Far...

I had an awesome day yesterday!!

I went to uni to for the first day of freshers week and got loads of freebies... gotta love the freebies.
The best part was seeing Petree and Talie, was nice to see people, allow me to connect with the real world again, feels like so long i have been living in some remote world of my own. I really should see people more. Im gonna go to Whitby soon and see Petree, nice to have some intelligent convo ( not been sarcastic Petree!).

Im sat designing some letters for some wall art at the mo, might aswell make some use of all the fabric i have.

I got another client from work today, thats 4 i have now! I also got my dates confirmed for the Homicide training i am going on, 2 weekends staying in a hotel :)

Anyways im off now, Hope your having a good week!

oh woop woop

Yay i went to uni yesterday and picked my modules and everything, i was given a free usb memory stick too. I picked High Risk Offenders as my specialist module, so this year i will be learning Contemporary criminological theory and High risk offenders. Next yr i will be doing Quantitive research methods, Qualitative research methods and Contemporary Criminal Justice and of course my dissertation module.

Spoke to Petree yesterday and the day before which was awesome, that young man should get online more, he is thinking of coming in for the freshers week and we may meet up with Talie for lunch :)

Im currently enjoying a lush Kopperberg Pear Cider is sooooooooooo nice om nom nom.

Anyhooo thats all for now, Bye x

If I Could Tell You....

If I Could Tell You

Time will say nothing but I told you so, Time only knows the price we have to pay; If I could tell you I would let you know. If we should weep when clowns put on their show, If we should stumble when musicians play, Time will say nothing but I told you so. There are no fortunes to be told, although, Because I love you more than I can say, If I could tell you I would let you know. The winds must come from somewhere when they blow, There must be reasons why the leaves decay; Time will say nothing but I told you so. Perhaps the roses really want to grow, The vision seriously intends to stay; If I could tell you I would let you know. Suppose all the lions get up and go, And all the brooks and soldiers run away; Will Time say nothing but I told you so? If I could tell you I would let you know. W.H. Auden

Sleep Deprived

Ok its officially driving me crazy, i havnt slept properly in nearly a week and last night was the worst. I dont know whats going on my mind is all over thinking about random crap nothing even mostly that matters.

I went for a walk tonight to try and clear my head. It was really nice, i walked all around the field and over near the Priory i took some pictures but my phone was dying so i couldnt take many. Sometimes i spend so much time walking around here i forget to open my eyes and see what a nice place i live in, full of history its just so lovely.

I was at work early with a client this morning and did a fair amount of walking about, i have been trying to wear myself out maybe i wasnt doing enough excerise to make me tired.

Just a quick one today only just getting my brain to co-ordinate my hands so i will drop it at a later date:)

Daydreams

We all do it, i love to do it, all my goals, fears, needs and wants, they are all in mine. What do you daydream about?

Here is a little poem for you:)

Daydreams

Whenever i day dream,
and day dream i do,
in my secret garden,
i day dream of you.

I day dream of you,
in a far away land,
embracing me tight,
and holding my hand.

Holding my hand,
and touching my face,
just you and me,
in this peaceful place.

In this peaceful place,
a pristine river flows,
where the unicorns run,
and a breeze always blows,

A breeze always blows,
and sings of a song,
our love in a place,
where your never gone.

Where your never gone,
as it would seem,
from dusk until dawn,
whenever i day dream.

And whenever i day dream,
and day dream i do,
in my secret garden,
i day dream of you.

Sands of Time

The sweet kiss of the sun,
A golden glimpse of temptation,
Rays reflecting your beauty,
A mirage across my mind.

Burning hot with desire,
Watching the sands of time,
Rushing over me like a wave,
Will you ever be mine.

The moonlit glow across the sea,
The tide moving in and out,
Sandcastles like memories washing away,
Fading like our romance.

by Me!

Checking in.....

I thought it was about time i checked in. I had an ok weekend, finally got my acceptence letter from uni, i also got a phone call off them today saying my induction is next week woop, bascially that means my first class, not sure when i am suppose to enrol though but i did get an email about online registration maybe that has something to do with it. I will probably get a letter or something off them about it if not i will call them.

Im a litle discombobulated about some things but i need to figure them out before i write it down otherwise it will end up in some vague rant or something.

ohh i sorted all my clothes out and threw out loads and even 3 pairs of shoes.. a record for me lol.

I am watching a prog at the mo called Lost Land of the Volcano, some of the animals look amazing Birds of Paradise are so pretty but ewwww at some of the insects, i bet there are a million huge spiders /puke

off to watch some more :O

Bye x

Out with the Old...

So, as part of my new fresh beginning i have been making plans for tomorrow. I have my 2 wonderful children with me and we are doing some sorting out. Yes i know sounds fun huh!?! well both of them love it when they get to nosey through my things as i sort stuff out. Tomorrow we are doing my wardrobes and yes i am going to get rid of those clothes i never wear.

I was reading something today and maybe i will make some customised cushions from some of them or something. I have way too many clothes, i have 2 huge double wardrobes full and 6 drawers and i still have piles all over so its definatly time for a big clean out. Once they are sorted i should have loads free room so i can finally start sorting some of the other stuff out, i seriously need to get some storage i plan to have a nice minimalist ( within reason) bedroom full of all my fav things.

Starting uni again and doing all the work i do i feel like im starting to hit the right track i just need some other area's to come together. I am full of purpose and determination... so look out world here i come!!

and the best part is.. all this without a man! woop!

omg woot!

Yay i heard from Uni today, i have been accepted onto the Criminology Masters. They said they will be sending out an official offer of a place in the mail for me to recieve in the next few days. I cant wait!!! Im determind not to mess this up and put everything into it.

I am also applying for a job with the probation service as a volunteer mentor, its not paid bt it may get me on the inside and if not well its still something i am really wanting to do.

Thats it for now, see u later:)

A Wish from me...

I wish i could just start again, somewhere new, somewhere exciting, full of promise and new adventure. If you could make your life better by leaving the place you hate, can you create a new you in the process. People always say, you can never change, you cant hide who you are... but what if you are who you are because of where you are.

I believe that a change especially one such as moving to a new city or country can help you change inside, allow you to become that person you want to be but are trapped within the confines of the reality you live within.

So.. the question is how do you do it, how do you make that change?. You have no job, no savings, no money, no friends or relatives to stay with and finally no idea about how to settle into the place you want to live in, assuming you have found that place you want to go. I think this is the reason people dont try to create themselves a new life, its hard work and it might not work, is it better to sacrifice that life we are not so happy with with to find the thing we may need and take the risk even though it may not work, or... do we just muddle along with the mediocre life we currently live in.

I actually have been thinking about this for some time now i feel like i need to start over somewhere new, fresh and exciting. I have no idea how to go about doing this and now it would have to be somewhere within daily travel to and from Uni easily, that is of course if i actually get accepted onto my masters which i will find out about hopefully this week.

So anyway thats my thoughts for today, if anyone has any fabulous idea's just let me know hehe!!

Bye xx

Just thinking...

Do you ever wonder why we do the things we do?

I mean take for example relationships, we are never satisfied without one, there is always something missing, something which we naturally crave yet when we have the relationship we have been craving all we do is complain or think about what else we are lacking.

Is it the case that as soon as one area of your life slots into place another rears its ugly head for needing attention?. We tend to torture ourselves in relationships that dont give us what we need, ignore those bad habits, annoyances and issues we have with our so called loved ones, why do we put up with it?, are we afraid to let go because of what may happen without that person or are we so blinded by love we cant see it for what it truely is?.

I like many other spent so much time analysing my relationship when i was having one i wonder if i ever really got to experience it, and i spent so much time been angry with him for the way he was treating me and the things he did but i often wonder now was my anger mis-directed, was i really angry with myself for allowing him to treat me that way, by not standing my ground with certain things was i just giving in to him and his bahaviour, in a silent way of saying its ok to do that?

I am happier now we are not together compared to how i felt when we were together, yet i miss him a lot it seems though that enough was enough for me and the line was crossed on how much i was willing to take and sacrifice for him and for us.

When that line is crossed and you step back a little, you start to see things without those loved -up rose coloured spectacles. Once you start seeing it for what it was that bitterness that takes hold during the relationship soothes away like a floating breeze in autumn and all it leaves behind is the imprint of a scar in our heart like a wet leaf on the pavement below us.

Lazy Sunday...

I didnt do much yesterday, just chilled with the kids, watched some dvd's and the X-Factor which was hilarious with this one guy Fouad.
I dont have much planned for today either, have some washing to dry ready for my ironing day tomorrow yay /cry. Think i may watch some more sex and the city, im halfway through series 3 at the mo.

I am hoping i hear from the uni tomorrow, enrolment is on Tues and Thurs this week and i dont want to miss it, maybe i can con some of my friends into meeting me there and we can get some freebies from the stalls for freshers week.. we looove freshers week.

I have a fairly busy week this week, got a few meetings and clients to see and stuff, would prefer that than not having anything to do.

Anyway toodles for now :)

/yawn

Oh man what a miserable day, so much rain its felt constant all day. Adam wasnt well and was sick, me and Chloe also dont feel so well and im really tired. I was reading about that incident with the 2 boys who tried to kill another 2 boys in Edlington (sp) it nearly made me throw up reading what they did to them.. sick little boys really. I would rant about other stuff too but im too tired and cant be bothered right now hehe.

Have a good night, im going to slack and watch Big Bro 9 final haha!

Fear

Fear

I fear that i do not know,
That which i cannot control.
If i knew which way to go,
Which way forward to turn.

One step forward holding tight,
The memories from that dark night,
Sweat running down my back,
The smile fading about to crack.

Unknown is the day about to break,
Unrealistic dreams, all unfullfilled,
A chance, a risk, everyday,
Adrenaline pumping through my veins.

For what i fear, i do not know.

by Me!

Yummy!

Tired...

Hey :)

Today has been so tiring, still waking up way too early then hitting about 3pm and wanting to go to sleep dunno whats going on. Have been out and about in town with the kids today and the rain.. lots of rain my jeans were wet to my knees lol.

I have finally finished reading the booklet for criminal injuries compensation so after my 1 hour long test thing next week i will be able to help people with all that properly. I am hoping to hear from the uni by the end of the week. I spoke to them yesterday and finally my app had got to the right department i hope i get on the course, although i will try for the law masters if i dont get on the criminology one, i do better with law too, thats the only thing i received a 1st in for my degree, career wise though it should be criminology.

Anyways im going to go chill on the sofa i just made a chicken roast dinner yummy! om nom nom

May drop in again later, Bye :)

What Now...

I have woke feeling restless. Although i slept really well i woke at 6am again and couldnt sleep afterwards. I feel like i need to be doing something more but i am just not sure what, maybe i should start sorting out all the stuff on top of my warbrobes that i havnt really unpacked since i moved in. I am starting to wonder if the old saying of a messy room will lead to a messy life... maybe if i sort everything out and start making sure i stay on top of things then i will feel better and more in control of what i am doing myself.

I think i need some boxes though if i am going to start sorting stuff out, i have no idea where you get them from these days now all the shops recycle they dont let you have them and i refuse to pay loads money for them from Argos :D Maybe i should wait till i get paid then buy myself some storage units instead hmmm.....

I spoke to the university yesterday they are still processing my application, im so impatient i think i will ring them again tomorrow if i have not heard from them, i feel a little like my life is on hold until i know.

Im going off to watch some tv, hope you have a nice day :)

The Kids and Random pics from my Apartment

Marvin the cow bought by Emil when we first started dating
My peace flag above my bed:P
My chinese calender

My Einstein Poster

Chloe and Adam
Chloe

My room before and after

Some before and aftershots of my room :)

Autumn......

It has been a lovely day today. I spent some time on my balacony watching the wind blow the trees, soft brown leaves falling to the floor, a sure sign autumn is approaching. The breeze was warm and the clouds were grey, hiding behind them a peeking sunshine. This is one of my favorite times of year, the dark nights creeping in ready for winter and chritmas. There is nothing better than sitting with a hot chocolate while watching the gusts outside and the stars sparkle when your on your way home from work or wherever. The other nice thing about Autmun is it reminds me of uni, starting a new fresh year with some much enthusiasm, sitting the the huge library while its getting dark outside, giggling with friends, having fun and enjoying the quiet streets.

I love Autumn, the old trees shredding their old leaves ready to start afresh :)

I had my 3 mth review, it went really well. Hopefully i will be attending the homicide course in October. I am also recieving some criminal injuries compensations training next weekk too woop.

Hope you had a nice day :)

Oh My God!

So I have finally finished my room, i will take some piccies and upload them later, so glad its all done and over with and omg i love it!

I have been reading about the Lockerbie bomber release today, The Scottish Government should all be shot, what a pathetic thing to do.. that guy didnt show any frikking compassion when deciding to kill all those people. This is why Scotland should still be under Englands Reign they obviously cant make a good decision between them all. I was reading how the bomber is backing an inquiry into it all, well doh.. of course he will, he will be dead and it will be pointless by the time anything comes from it. We all know these things take years and years.

People may think i am a little harsh but i have strong beliefs and i truely do believe he should be locked up, preferably he should have been sentenced to capital punishment but no apparently we dont need it...so its not even a possibility. The guy killed hundreds of people, serves 8 years and gets released on compassionate grounds... really really disgusted. Nice precendent to set too.. wonder how many other murderers who are terminally ill will start appealing now?

Arnt we suppose to make society a safer place to live, without fear and hate. The world is bad enough without letting people like this out of prison and have a free life.

/rant off!

Anyway.. i have my 3 mth review today hope it goes well woop woop!
I should also here from the Uni to see if i got onto my masters course this week.

See u later:)

Good Morning....

Well.. today is my last painting day hopefully, only got the doors to do woop woop then i will upload some before and after piccies :) Feeling fairly energetic today which is good cause i have loads of tidying up to do as a result of the decorating :P

There is a song by La Roux called Cover my Eyes.. i love it, i think i have had it repeating for about almost 2 days now haha, something about the words and melody i really like..here is a little sample of the lyrics.

No wonder I'm scared
To look in your eyes
You've turned me away
So many times
You can take it away
At any given moment
It's hard to believe
While you're in this disguise

So would you hold me please
I'm trying hard to breathe
I'm just surviving
So would you hold me please
I'm trying hard to breathe
Stop me from crying

When I see you walking with her
I have to cover my eyes
(I have to cover my eyes)
Every time you leave with her
Something inside me dies
(Something inside of me dies)

No wonder it hurts
To sit by your side
(Turned me away so many times)
There's a different song
I can play you tonight
(We don't have to sit here in silence)
We can break the pattern
We can change the colour
(It's just a little sacrifice)
You don't need to worry about the others
(It's all in your mind)

I recommed u have a listen :D

Anyway i must go to the shop before i get covered in paint again, Bye:)

xx

Today....

Well i am sat eating a strawberry muller fruit corner and i am covered in paint while writing this. I have an hour to kill before i can apply a second coat of paint to my walls. The kids went back to their dads this morning so i can finally get stuck in properly:)

Its been an odd day today, i am in a strange mood, not happy, not bad but a little sad, bored and fed up. I think i decent nights sleep which i hope i will get tonight. I really hope i manage to get the walls finished today. Then it will leave tomorrow and Wed to do all the glossing in here. I cant do the ceilings cause it makes me feel sick and i get dizzy so they wil have to stay that yukky colour till i can convince someone to come and do it for me hehe.

I am really liking La Roux's album, so many good songs on there, i have been having it on all day today so far hehe, i will probably be sick of it in a few hours when i have over played it and know the songs word for word.

Anyway going to go get cracking with some preperation for the next phase of Emma's Redecoration Remedy!

Something we all should live by!!!!

Yes Please!

Just watched X Factor with the kids, there was a guy on called Jamie he was brilliant.. defo getting my vote so far, about time we had someone like this on....

Jamie Afro - X Factor

Hope you enjoy as much as i did!!!!

The Aries Woman! Its Me!

My starsign sums me up perfectly!
THE ARIES WOMAN: independent, courageous, impulsive, always active, busy! If any woman can get along without a man, it is an Aries woman. She can do everything for herself, making it difficult for her to find the strong man she needs for romance. Aries women are most often involved in careers, and yet they can manage career, home and family well at the same time. She usually gets what she wants, one way or the other. IN LOVE, the Aries woman is attracted to a man who behaves in a dominant, forceful manner. Any show of insecurity turns her off immediately.

Positive Aspects: Adventurous and energetic,
Pioneering and courageous,
Enthusiastic and confident,
Dynamic and quick-witted.

Negative Aspects: Selfish and quick-tempered,
Impulsive and impatient,
Foolhardy and daredevil,

One of my Fav Poems

I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:                                       
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed - and gazed - but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,                   
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

William Wordsworth

De Novo

De Novo = Starting afresh

So... we broke up in the end, suprisingly im not half as upset as i thought i would be, maybe its the fact it had been coming and i had got all that crying over with before it even hit. Were going to remain friends though, we are probably the only 2 who like the stuff we do without finding each other weird lol. I am so happy we will remain in each others lives in a more positive way. Its sad whats happened but also good:)

Im feeling really positive lately. Starting uni, more focus on my goals and my dreams and i have a great drive to find what i want from a job. Although that one aspect of my life hasnt worked out i have the determination to work on the rest with a new found passion.

I have been redecorating the living room, it was this horrid mushroom brown the landlady had done about 8 years ago, i have gone for a fresh crisp white and a light blue called Oxygen, im hoping to get the kitchen and bathroom done too. The kids have been great helping out altho very messy haha.

I have been watching Sex and the City, i was never into it only saw a few episodes but i watched the movie and really enjoyed it so i have downloaded all 6 series and i am half way through the 2nd one now, i didnt realise how funny it was.

Well anyways thats all for now cant wait for September to start Uni and start writing articles in the CND magazine that will get published. Woop Woop.

Bleh

I wish i could think straight ARGH!

I was thinking maybe i should suggest some time apart give us time to breathe without ending everything. Maybe, just maybe then we can start to figure out where we go from here, what we want as a couple and what we want as individuals. I wish there was a book or person you could go to to tell you what your decisions should be when its impossible to make them yourself.

Gonna start reading a book tonight called Size Matters by Judy Astley.. i could use some fantasy time!!...

Not all is as it seems

So...things are not so great right now, but i will get to that part in a minute. First of all it looks like i will be going back to uni in a mth to do the criminology masters which is great, doing it part time over 2 years so it wont affect my job hunting or victim support work. Now to the crappy part.. me and my boyfriend arnt getting on so well, not sure if were together or not, mainly not sure if he wants to be with me, he feels we probably wont have a future together as he doesnt really wanna think about it which its crap for me cause i thought after 2 yrs he would know. Im not looking for any commitment like moving in together or marriage, just to simply know we are going somewhere together. So at this moment i have many things to decide... do i break my own heart now or let him break it later :(
My head is truely up my ass on this one...i love him but i cant force him to want to be with me and im not going to wait another 2 yrs for him to figure it out

I think i need some TLC, Girly films and chocie to get me through the next few days!

xx

Catch Up....

Hey Hey.

Well what have i been up too since i last posted?... Well to start with my boyfriend came over from Denmark and we had a lovely time. The weather was great and we spent lots of time at the beach getting so burnt we looked like lobsters hehe and we went to the cinema to watch the new Transformers movie ( number 2) it was really good.

Since he went back home i have been looking at jobs in Canada and doing research into living and working there, i think its going to take me a long time to figure it all out.

I joined an organisation called CND which campaign for nuclear disarmament, i also have wrote some letters to my MP about the issue.

The children are on holiday now from school, we went to the Sea Life Centre the other day to see the sharks and things, the weather was really rubbish but we had a nice day, at least those 2 did anyway. The moon Jelly fish and Seahorses are so cute!

I have been catching up on films i have not seen but have wanted too : Van Wilder 1 & 2, Bride Wars, Journey to the Centre of the Earth and some others. I watched Haunting in Conneticut today apparently based on a true story, i thought it was really good.

Thats about it really! :)

Meh!

Oh My God!.. well if its not one thing its another. My pc has gone caput, thought it was a prob with the power supply but apparently its not so now we think its the Mobo, hopefully my bf can fix it when he comes over a week on Monday woop woop.

Got an action packed week o stuff i need to be doing, work is a little bit busy at the mo and i have stuff to do before he comes over. Hopefully gonna get my hair done next week too, im thinking of going lighter honey blonde maybe.

I recently joined twitter but i dont seen to do much with it lol, this is my twitter page

www.twitter.com/fluttermouse i also have a facebook page which i use a lot more regularly which is www.facebook.com/fluttermouse

Anyways thats all i have to update for now :)

Finally..

YAY.. i finally got my certificate from my degree course.. its only taken nearly a yr after finishing it lol. This means i can now finally apply for jobs without them questioning the validity of whether i actually went to uni or not, because we all would lie about that ofc!! bloody idiots!!!

Other good news is my BF is coming over in a couple of weeks, he lives in DK so we dont get to see each other much, just every 2/3 mths depending on work/money etc etc, its gonna be ncie to see him he doesnt come over here as much as i go over there. So i am planning a fun filled week i cant wait.

I went to Middlesbrough Music live last weekend it wasnt bad but it was awesome to see all my uni friends it had been a while so it was nice to catch up and have a bitch about how shitty our lives can be hehe.

Greenfest was cancelled so i didnt get a chance to go to it, im hoping they have other events i can partake in which would be awesome..

Anyways thats my life recently! :)

Disbelief

Ok so i recently registered on the Greenpeace website, i had been interested in this sort of thing for sometime. Upon registering i went on to read about current events and crisis etc. I came across something which i just didnt know about and which got me in complete disbelief. I cannot believe that our government would consider replacing the Trident nuclear weapons system, i mean not only is this a complete hazard to our country but it is breaking the commitments set out in the Kyoto Protocol. We shouldnt even have nuclear weapons never mind be thinking about replacing our current ones with new ones even more so with the current cash crisis.
Building new ones will in fact cost us millions upon millions of pounds which could be spent in other ways to help us as a country get out of our mess and improve in other areas...such as for example our NHS system.

What sort of example are we setting our children and our childrens children by having such a dangerous weapon around? Having access to this sort of thing will only encourage other countries to think they can also have one, i mean why on earth would a country listen to the hypocrits of another country who own nuclear weapons when telling that other country they cannot.

It only takes one madman to cause a huge disaster someone power hungry and mentally disturbed. Let me ask you.. would you trust a stranger with your future?